Could Be Worse

The most frequent suggestion friends offered when we were writing Mommy Mantras was this: “Oh, whenever I feel like I have it bad, I just think of Marcy.” I would smile, thank them, and toss their idea out with the rest of the crumpled papers strewn across my floor. Marcy’s situation is a bit mind boggling: she has seven children, a full-time job, and no help whatsoever. (I should also note that her children are bizarrely, well-behaved angels of goodness and mercy, which alters the story a bit.). But we didn’t put it in the book, because for some reason, comparing ourselves to someone else who might have it tougher than we do seemed, I don’t know, completely wrong.

Turns out, I was the one who was wrong. A few months later I was sitting in a seminar on Dialectical Behavior Therapy, a treatment devised by Marsha Linehan to help people with Borderline Personality Disorder. Individuals with BPD have a difficult time regulating their emotions and self-soothing once their fear, anxiety, or anger gets triggered. As a result, when bad things happen, they respond in ways that make things worse. Instead of using strategies like reframing, positive self-talk, or perspective taking to defuse difficult emotions, they fan the flames. Linehan teaches her clients how to react to crises safely and sanely. As I sat listening, it dawned on me, as a mother much of my day was spent in three-alarm, red-button crisis mode. And I’m not joking. Forget the people I work with, I was the one who needed this stuff.

One of the tools that Linehan espouses involves making comparisons to those less fortunate than we are. She specifically advises clients to “watch soap operas; read about disasters” and basically take note of other peoples’ suffering. This, she claims, will “recast one’s own situation in a more positive light.” Basically, her point is that no matter how bad things are for you in any given moment, it could be worse. This seems particularly important during the holiday season when I’m lamenting all of the additional burdens I’m under. So this year, as I tackle Christmas shopping not just for my kids, but for their teachers and therapists, send cards to all of their friends’ families, and try to keep the mountain of snow clothing under control, I will take a deep breath, count my blessings and remind myself it could be worse. At least I’m not Marcy.

* (Linehan, 1993, Skills Training Manual for Treating Borderline Personality Disorder. Guilford Press)