I’ve been drowning in bad flashbacks from the yester-years of work and current interactions.

It all began last night when I went to the wake of a colleague’s father. Very glad to show my support and condolences to my colleague but more difficult than I anticipated to ride in a mini-van full of co-workers to and fro for 2 hours. Lovely co-workers I should add. Yet the contrast between their recollection of past and present events from mine were profoundly disturbing to me. “Really?! So in hindsight you think we shouldn’t have amputated that arm?”. Clearly not that precise dillemma but of that ilk. Fortunately I managed to keep my mouth shut–as I mentioned we were in a van and thus there were no opportunities to excuse myself for water or the bathroom.

Immediately upon reaching the wake, my cell phone started ringing. I hate my cell phone by the way and never give the number out–thus I knew it was home. My husband was calling to tell me my beautiful, lovely baby boy had not stopped crying since I’d left the house, was driving everybody insane and could I please come right home. Excellent information to receive at a wake many miles from my home, in a different state, with a mini-van load of other passengers with whom I have to coordinate travel.

The other major issue I discovered last night is that my preferred way of coping/defending against really painful feelings is humor. That does not serve me well at a wake. Especially with colleagues. I was actually finding my whole experience a bit comical but laughter was out of the question given the circumstances. I was a bit shell shocked. Painful and unescapeable van conversation, followed by painful news of crying baby miles away, coated with painful discomfort of interacting with colleagues at a wake. Note to self: do not do this again.

Today I was flooded with memories of former colleagues and regrettable interactions with them which was triggered by a site visit near a specific altercation. My regrets were just piling up. The day was capped off with the sharing of a birth announcement from a co-worker I had essentially fired years before. Who can stop the madness??

Deluged by regret and sorrow, I’ve now made a pretty good recovery. I called my dear friend who talked me down, reminding me that all feelings are temporary and directing me to re-read The Power of Now by Eckard Tolle. She also reminded me that my current situation is excellent–try to live here.

I’m trying to be here now for my beautiful children. that means I gotta go….Diane