My colleague told me that another co-worker who recently gave birth will not be returning to work for a few more months. My colleague added that she thinks the new mom will wind up delaying even more and maybe not come back at all. “She looks so serene. She is clearly loving this new role and she must be great at it. She’s great at everything she tries. In fact, she’s the most serene mother I’ve ever seen.”

Was I not supposed to take offense at any of that?? I mean, I’m serene. Look closely. Can’t you tell I’m serene? Really–take in my serenity. Now I’m being judged for my serenity deficiency? And I’m great at lots of new things I try so you know where you can go put all that serenity.

I want to feel joy for my serene colleague. I know I get what I give in this world and besides it’s nice to be nice, right? Instead I find myself envious of her extra time at home with her baby and jealous of her perceived serenity and competence. And of course guilty for all this too. I see how the rift takes shape between the working (outside the home) mother vs the stay at home mother. At some core level, I feel my serenity is compromised by working and that my baby is having to pay. My beautiful little precious baby.

Co-workers continue to warmly welcome me back and ask how I’m doing. The tone is always kind and sympathetic. My response varies–I’m fine, it’s hard, I have no choice. But I do. And I will need to remind myself of that and the fact that I have many other strengths to share if not serenity. Diane