Yikes.

I’ve been feeling reasonably good about my return to full-time work (outside the home). In preparation, I’ve put my work clothes in the front of my closet, bought some professional looking shoes, gotten my haircut, brows waxed, made arrangements for our prior nanny to return… I breathe, cuddle my baby, try to savor these moments. Despite these efforts, today I experienced some serious anxiety about whether I have the physical, mental and financial resources to handle the challenges that returning to work pose for me.

I’m a little overwhelmed by the idea that I’m suddenly losing 40 plus hours to my job outside my home, my family, my life as I’ve known it these past 3 months. That the nanny–while exceptionally loving, caring and responsible–will not be able to do all the things I do just the way I like them, that pumping breastmilk is going to be an ordeal, that I will get sucked back into office politics, that I’m going to miss my baby, that I won’t be able to swing work/dinner/nightime routine, that we’ll be spending a whole lot more money each week to pay for childcare with no new money coming in. Yikes.

When my older kids protested taking their vitamins today, I said they’d need them for strength to survive when we were on the streets. (What mom? nothing). I know I’m lacking perspective, and not focusing on the positive. I need to turn it around. Tomorrow.

Right now I am focusing on my breath and on this exact moment. And in this exact moment all is fine…Diane